lesson 101: the things we can't have

entry protected at wordpress due to the sensitivity of the issue

A little update

The datezila has explode. There are some people from the past that has revisited, but if it did not work out then I doubt it will work out now. I am avoiding the issues here by not replying to their smses, which I really should be cos its way rude. Sighz.

Yen will be rolling her eyes at this moment, and wondering why I am not giving them a chance and more importantly, giving myself a chance at finding love. I might just replied "Oks" to them tomorrow morning, impulsively. Haha we shall see.

I am keeping my finger cross on some other happenings as well, but nothing much to share at this point.

This is the last month of 2011, a pretty short work month with the family trip in 2 weeks. Have not make any resolution for 2012, but I will definitely remember this year as one with many happenings but no 结果。哈哈

MUST WATCH!

If <那些年，我们追的女孩> is the bittersweet from guys' perspective, then <初恋那件小事> is the girl's. Never mind that its in Thai, first love/crushes are universal. Watched it on Fun-sion and after watching it, I swear you will want to find some one to crush on! :P Most of the movie like 那些年 happen in school, a period that had past and would not find it way into our life now. . .

I don't know if i ever really "strive" in love like all the movies. 努力的改变自己，向上， 变漂亮，只因为有可能。。that he feels the same way too.

in due course

i am going _________ tomorrow

:)

Tresses

My hair stylist is no longer working at the salon. And now I don't know where and how to track him down?! Majorly upset about this. On the bright side, I have no plans to do anything to my hair in the near future.

超难过

残忍

This week has been activities packed. I am tired by the discovery stage, late nights, forced conversations and it doesn't help that I am feeling teeny weeny half- hearted on all these. The datezila in me are yearning to explore.

Beginning

Something has been bothering me since the rather impromptu meet-up on Thursday. It got me falling back into like. SIGHZ. " what is my type?", "what makes him different from the rest?" been getting lots of such questions lately and I am find myself lost of words. What could aptly described what i feel inside? And how can i define some one into mere characteristics?

I am cynical that this is what i want. And I worry that its a classic case of you wanting what you cant have. If so, I worry about what will become of any relationship in the future.

Tomorrow will be an important date. I know I should not be placing such importance to our first one-to-one. But i wistfully think that if he can stir feelings in me like M.impoSsible, then it will *ahem* be easier. This probably give M.efforT too little credit and puts too much hope on a second meetup.

A friend once shared that "the one+" usually appear when you have many options. I laughed when I first heard it. It sound like a myth then. But now, I secretly hide under my optimistic blanket and hope its true. (+Not referring to the one you walk down the aisle with here)

The dates weekend

This weekend has been different yet comfortable. I realize for both Saturday and Sunday, I had either start or end my day at ah ma house. As yen rightfully commented, my comfort zone.

Saturday's date was me gong out of the way to not have my way. I booked the tickets to a movie I have no real interest but knew it's the preferred movie for him. He offered to pay for dinner and I ate ramen with him again for the second time. Not a fan of ramen in Singapore but nevertheless convinced him and myself that it is ok. Dinner turn out not so bad, movie was alright too. I don't know.

" if it's normal to be distracted, in my own thoughts and doubts. If i can get past the MAIN hurdle and if having just a companion, is what I want. If I have gotten used to dating older and more financially stable men ( who say and do the right things ), and if I can move out of the everything taken care of dating. If at 26, it will be alright to still believe in love like I do. That heart flutters and to be with someone that I love no matter when and why. "

Sunday's was a blind date disguised as a group outing. Three girls one guy, and the intention for both of us to get to know each other. I saw his fb profile and he probably seen mine ( the modern age introduction). We had one enjoyable lunch, followed by a spontaneous trip to have the famous bean curd. Credits had to go to the two girls, who make the whole meeting causal , light and almost normal. For me, it definitely help with the couple of "practices" and that I was in a carefree and care less mood. All game for a good time. Honestly, the guy will have fulfill most of my "high" standards based upon appearance, character and values. ( Minus the missing single eye lid haha or that he is of the same age.)

So in the end, I could not help feeling perplexed this weekend. There no need for me to make a choice or whatnot, and I am equally thankful the datezillia in me have not felt the need to cut off all contact and future dates prematurely. Something which I am pretty good at, and roll eye worthy. When it dawned on me, I am afraid that I will never like somebody as much and as hard before.... I think I realise what has been bothering me. Just a companion isn't good enough.

On the other hand, I am awared what I know about those has been clouded and really not much to say of. That the likelihood of me being wrong than right, is way high. If you build your castles on sand, they are bound to disappoint.

Which sort are you?

Hong Kong and Chengdu have been a lot of things roll into one... Its probably one of the longest holidays I had with friends :) So we shared a little, walked miles in cities and took back with us lots of pictures and memories. My favourite part of the trip - Massage! The cold weather and chilly breeze were bonus, so glad to be away from the sun and humid/rains back home.

The 26th birthday was a blast but somehow I think age has creep in slowly. In ways that one would not have imagine within circles. Comfort circle. Close circle of friends. Circle of trust. I am for one, somewhat affected though I like to think I can be indifferent.

Why do you always find myself in such situations? Yen questioned. Honestly I see them differently but nevertheless equally likely to lead to no where. There a few cliche idealism popping in my head these couple of days and I have also officially began nitpicking. No one is perfect,neither am I.

Some snippets from the original article which really reasonate with me at the moment..

The way I see it, there are four types of people when it comes to love.

The first finds a soulmate early in life. She marries him, they set up a home, have kids, and their life's pretty settled from then on.

The second type moves from one relationship onto another, and the relationships are more often than not fraught with woes. Life is one roller-coaster ride as she soars with joy and plunges into misery.

The third sort doesn't care for relationships, for she can be perfectly happy without a beloved by her side.

Then, there is the fourth type, who dearly wishes to be involved with someone, but can't find the right partner

..

If you love a person, you would want to show him off.

...

If you have any qualms at all about the person whom you say you love - perhaps you're embarrassed by the car he drives, or that he's balding or that he stutters or doesn't have a university degree - it can't be love.

....

The relationships I treasure started from chance encounters, never through a blind date or an arranged meeting. And for those who are single, fret not. Serendipitous meetings do happen.

Sumiko Tan
The Sunday Times, August 2, 1998

something i want to share & remember

Dragon Mom: A Rare Childhood Disease Sparks Thoughts of Mortality and Existence

October 23, 2011

By Red State Gal

Conservative Feminist

A woman with a story, a child with a rare disability, a Dragon Mom and grappling with mortality–especially that of a child–are the subjects of Red State Gal’s Conservative Feminist this week. It’s well worth the time spent reading.

MY son, Ronan, looks at me and raises one eyebrow. His eyes are bright and focused. Ronan means “little seal” in Irish and it suits him.

I want to stop here, before the dreadful hitch: my son is 18 months old and will likely die before his third birthday. Ronan was born with Tay-Sachs, a rare genetic disorder. He is slowly regressing into a vegetative state. He’ll become paralyzed, experience seizures, lose all of his senses before he dies. There is no treatment and no cure.

How do you parent without a net, without a future, knowing that you will lose your child, bit by torturous bit?

Depressing? Sure. But not without wisdom, not without a profound understanding of the human experience or without hard-won lessons, forged through grief and helplessness and deeply committed love about how to be not just a mother or a father but how to be human.

Parenting advice is, by its nature, future-directed. I know. I read all the parenting magazines. During my pregnancy, I devoured every parenting guide I could find. My husband and I thought about a lot of questions they raised: will breast-feeding enhance his brain function? Will music class improve his cognitive skills? Will the right preschool help him get into the right college? I made lists. I planned and plotted and hoped. Future, future, future.

We never thought about how we might parent a child for whom there is no future. The prenatal test I took for Tay-Sachs was negative; our genetic counselor didn’t think I needed the test, since I’m not Jewish and Tay-Sachs is thought to be a greater risk among Ashkenazi Jews. Being somewhat obsessive about such matters, I had it done anyway, twice. Both times the results were negative.

Our parenting plans, our lists, the advice I read before Ronan’s birth make little sense now. No matter what we do for Ronan — choose organic or non-organic food; cloth diapers or disposable; attachment parenting or sleep training — he will die. All the decisions that once mattered so much, don’t.

All parents want their children to prosper, to matter. We enroll our children in music class or take them to Mommy and Me swim class because we hope they will manifest some fabulous talent that will set them — and therefore us, the proud parents — apart. Traditional parenting naturally presumes a future where the child outlives the parent and ideally becomes successful, perhaps even achieves something spectacular. Amy Chua’s “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” is only the latest handbook for parents hoping to guide their children along this path. It’s animated by the idea that good, careful investments in your children will pay off in the form of happy endings, rich futures.

But I have abandoned the future, and with it any visions of Ronan’s scoring a perfect SAT or sprinting across a stage with a Harvard diploma in his hand. We’re not waiting for Ronan to make us proud. We don’t expect future returns on our investment. We’ve chucked the graphs of developmental milestones and we avoid parenting magazines at the pediatrician’s office. Ronan has given us a terrible freedom from expectations, a magical world where there are no goals, no prizes to win, no outcomes to monitor, discuss, compare.

But the day-to-day is often peaceful, even blissful. This was my day with my son: cuddling, feedings, naps. He can watch television if he wants to; he can have pudding and cheesecake for every meal. We are a very permissive household. We do our best for our kid, feed him fresh food, brush his teeth, make sure he’s clean and warm and well rested and ... healthy? Well, no. The only task here is to love, and we tell him we love him, not caring that he doesn’t understand the words. We encourage him to do what he can, though unlike us he is without ego or ambition.

Ronan won’t prosper or succeed in the way we have come to understand this term in our culture; he will never walk or say “Mama,” and I will never be a tiger mom. The mothers and fathers of terminally ill children are something else entirely. Our goals are simple and terrible: to help our children live with minimal discomfort and maximum dignity. We will not launch our children into a bright and promising future, but see them into early graves. We will prepare to lose them and then, impossibly, to live on after that gutting loss. This requires a new ferocity, a new way of thinking, a new animal. We are dragon parents: fierce and loyal and loving as hell. Our experiences have taught us how to parent for the here and now, for the sake of parenting, for the humanity implicit in the act itself, though this runs counter to traditional wisdom and advice.

NOBODY asks dragon parents for advice; we’re too scary. Our grief is primal and unwieldy and embarrassing. The certainties that most parents face are irrelevant to us, and frankly, kind of silly. Our narratives are grisly, the stakes impossibly high. Conversations about which seizure medication is most effective or how to feed children who have trouble swallowing are tantamount to breathing fire at a dinner party or on the playground. Like Dr. Spock suddenly possessed by Al Gore, we offer inconvenient truths and foretell disaster.

And there’s this: parents who, particularly in this country, are expected to be superhuman, to raise children who outpace all their peers, don’t want to see what we see. The long truth about their children, about themselves: that none of it is forever.

I would walk through a tunnel of fire if it would save my son. I would take my chances on a stripped battlefield with a sling and a rock à la David and Goliath if it would make a difference. But it won’t. I can roar all I want about the unfairness of this ridiculous disease, but the facts remain. What I can do is protect my son from as much pain as possible, and then finally do the hardest thing of all, a thing most parents will thankfully never have to do: I will love him to the end of his life, and then I will let him go.

But today Ronan is alive and his breath smells like sweet rice. I can see my reflection in his greenish-gold eyes. I am a reflection of him and not the other way around, and this is, I believe, as it should be. This is a love story, and like all great love stories, it is a story of loss. Parenting, I’ve come to understand, is about loving my child today. Now. In fact, for any parent, anywhere, that’s all there is.

all.my.friends.(counting crows)

~ Awesome and on repeat
Thought I might get a rocket ride
When I was a child but it was a lie
That I told myself when I needed something good
At seventeen, had a better dream.
Now I'm thirty-three and it isn't me
But I'd think of something better if I could
All my friends and lovers leave me behind
I'm still looking for a girl
One way or another
I'm just hoping to find a way
To put my feet out in the world
Caught some grief from a falling leaf
As she tumbled down to the dirty ground
Said I should have put her back there if I could
But everyone needs a better day
And I'm trying to find me a better way
To get from the things I do to the things I should
All my friends and lovers leave me alone
To try to have a little fun
One way or another I just wish I had known
To go out walking in the sun
And find out if you were the one
Does it make you wanna come a little closer now?
And did you wanna dance with me?
Did you wanna hum a little harder now?
Can you see her waiting there?
Can you see her? Because I'm almost there
Can you see her waiting there for someone like me?
All you want is a beauty queen
Not a superstar but everybody's dream machine
All you want is a place to lay your head
You go to sleep dreaming how you would
Be a different kind if you thought you could
But you come awake the way you are instead
All my friends and lovers shine like the sun
I just turn and walk away
One way or another
I'm not coming undone
I'm just waiting for the day

asking a guy out

Currently am reading a book - wilful blindness - and I know subconsciously the reason why I even picked that book, was that I could see me in it.

I know that if I continued to stay in my comfort zone, I probably will be the same 21-years old self five years down the road. 31 years old but still nothing would have changed, my view still narrow, stuck in my ideals and basically status quo.

Its a scary realization, "Shyt, the days/months/years passed just like that!"

I used to think that its not difficult to like somebody. But I realise (rather unfortunately ) I fall into this pig-headed category of girls - those that choose to nitpick every other guys except the ones she likes.

Time heals all wound, and eventually - people move on. He did, I did eventually...

So recently i caught up with this guy whom i knew during the on-then off-and-on-again period when I was going out with ZJ (which dragged for three years or so). And because of this "too good to be true" guy, I never really went out with any other guys on dates. None of them lasted for more than a few dates or sustained my interest in getting to know them better. I was blinded by the possibilities I thought we have.

But when he moved on, I began to connect the dots. The holiday trips, the last minute cancellation, times when he bought out "alarm worthy" information which I never fail to choose to brush aside and forget. Instead concentrating on only the good, and what feels good. Even if its not right.

So this guy feels right to me now, but its not mutual. When we hang out, its comfortable in a old friend kind of way. But with sparks (HAHA), which is a plus in my book. If I am an independent third party looking in, I would have write us off totally in the "he just not that into you" sense. But I can be an ostrich hiding its head in the sand for matters of the heart, I would rather not think and be aware of my surroundings. I even avoid typing truth here. It was really the best date for some time, and usually if I am feeling this way, the guy tends to be swept off his feet too! :P I am giving the date's magic to wane off in a month time and its time to move on after that.

There is much to look forward to for the remaining of the year, cannot wait to create and capture more memories with the girls and family.
1) Batam
2) Hong Kong & Chengdu
3) Year end family trip

Not so nice thoughts

sometimes when there is too much on my plate, and when the smallest "too-good-for-that" request come in, I secretly wished for the day where they have to sweat the small stuffs. when i will be on my long annual leaves and they/he will suffer somewhat. . . bleh

What's next

I am heading past 6 months in my current company and am seriously looking at passing the 1 year mark at least. There have been more than one instances where I got "Still at the company?" from friends and I know that shows how hard it is to imagine me staying put!! Guilty as charged and I find myself looking at job positions again. No, I am not looking for a job but more of researching on my "marketability" for future references. I have been writing on the container sector weekly though my reports ranges from dry bulk to ship management companies - so rationally and logically my next move (if ever) will be to the bleeding box sector. Optimistically, what goes down must come up, then I would be ready for the next boom. :P

On another 1-year target: I shall not cut my hair till its long enough. :)

Best things I never had :)

Contradicting folks = woman

As I laid on bed post-first date a week back, I remembered trying to rationalise how great moments are really far and in between among dates and I should never expect it on the first. Recalling those "心痒痒“aka "wanna be together" moments, they were indeed not guaranteed on every date. . .

I got a glimpse of this moment at the last WP's rally, maybe its the spontaneous act or the atmosphere at the field, my heart was pumped. But on a follow up meet up, a month plus later, it was good but not great. And seriously no effort = not interested by any measure for any case. So we moved on.

Fast forward to after surgery, I thought things were looking up and I could maybe leave my shell finally. This is important because it meant that i had really wanted/hoped that this time but its not. I am not looking for love, its not something i can go after. Somebody whom i wanna do things together with sound simple enough, right?

Desire to live a little more

There have been many moments in the past three weeks, that have me thanking my lucky stars. Some of them in the form of family and close friends. I am somebody that hesitate to ask for favors nor comfortable to be on the receiving ends. But found myself quite the helpless damsel a few times as I discover the tumor at my back, seek opinions (both online and offline) on the matter, go through numerous tests and finally had the operation. Strangely, I felt as normal as can be on the day of the surgery. Maybe because I knew it is something that has to be done and not life threatening. I was almost looking forward to have the lump remove at my back, so that we can move on from there. As always the advocator of closure and moving on~

Everyone at home chipped in to make me feel better and my parents ensured I got the best medical treatment I need. Even yen flew back from china to be here with me. Then I was overwhelmed by what had to be done and did not stop to think much, but looking back I am truly blessed to have my family, friends and relatives showering me with concern and treats cheering me on.

It was an unexpected break from work, and did shift plans and slow momentum in the process. But it opened my heart a little, opened my eyes to people whom care about me and hopefully I learnt to live a little more.

:)

Pictures

Shentonista- Me.

As we grow older

哪天你想要闪电结婚
请先帮我找一个好男人
别一个人去幸福不理人
哪天你不小心就变成女强人
别忘了是我劝你要认真
无论再忙都要陪我聊聊心声
我
永远记得今晚
我们回忆往事梦想未来感动聊不完
明天心也要作伴也要勇敢
不管是否天涯两端
只要是情意够长缘就不短
常常联络不准懒散
明天心也要作伴也要自然
就像现在真诚简单
有事你要人商量我最喜欢
欢迎找我麻烦
哪天你已变成变成女强人
我会记得你劝我要认真
无论再忙都要陪我聊聊心声
我
永远记得今晚
我们回忆往事梦想未来感动聊不完
明天心也要作伴也要勇敢
不管是否天涯两端
只要是情意够长缘就不短
常常联络不准懒散
明天心也要作伴也要自然
就像现在真诚简单
有事你要人商量我最喜欢
欢迎找我麻烦
明天心也要作伴也要勇敢
不管是否天涯两端
只要是情意够长缘就不短
常常联络不准懒散
明天心也要作伴也要自然
就像现在真诚简单
有事你要人商量我最喜欢
欢迎找我麻烦
有事你要人商量我最喜欢
欢迎找我麻烦


看著你搭TAXI孤單的離去
全世界只剩我在淋雨
想著你可能去誰或誰懷裡
胡鬧猜搞的我無法呼吸
明明是

好天氣卻感覺下雨的情緒
我和你為何都我對不起你
轉個灣到街上一個人溜冰
要自己像只驕傲的鴨子
不要愛的鴨子

啊哈　去吧　沒什麼了不起
什麼都依你　卻看輕我自己
雖然我愛你　不許你再孩子氣
寂寞的鴨子　也可以不要你

有時愛會讓人變的笨笨地
習慣心只去你的心裡
沒有你我的心就像遙控器
在每個頻道理瘋狂找你
瘋狂想你　瘋狂看你

Work experience

每做一事，最好只追求一个最在乎的目标，其余都可让步，这样达成目标的机会才高。
 
比方：
做这事，最在乎是学经验，那就别计较钱；
做那事，最要紧是钱，那就别计较面子。
以此类推。
若做一事，又想学经验，又要赚得多，又要有面子... ...如此美事，有得等啊。。。
 
 
-CKY blog

Alive and Kicking

I cut my hair and love it so much!

Question:How to get Oreo to "listen" to you?

Ans: Treats :)

Yu & Ze has to listen to their chauffeur because... ...

Sushi Tei lunch when the parents are in Chengdu visiting Yen!!!

Something to think about

Are you doing a good job? (SETH GORDIN BLOG)

One way to approach your work: "I come in on time, even a little early. I do what the boss asks, a bit faster than she expects. I stay on time and on budget, and I'm hardworking and loyal."

The other way: "What aren't they asking me to do that I can do, learn from, make an impact, and possibly fail (yet survive)? What's not on my agenda that I can fight to put there? Who can I frighten, what can I learn, how can I go faster, what sort of legacy am I creating?"

You might very well be doing a good job. But that doesn't mean you're a linchpin, the one we'll miss. For that, you have to stop thinking about the job and start thinking about your platform, your point of view and your mission.

It's entirely possible you work somewhere that gives you no option but to merely do a job. If that's actually true, I wonder why someone with your potential would stay...

In the post-industrial revolution, the very nature of a job is outmoded. Doing a good job is no guarantee of security, advancement or delight.
-------------------

His blog never fail to inspire me/set me thinking on a daily basis. One of the few things that have been on my mind is how to go beyond just a good job. The new job has been wonderful to say the least. New responsibilities given has widen my job scope a little but I am rolling in words every week...happily.

强

The biggest weakness I (think) have is that I am too hard to myself. I can be quite the stubborn cow here. And somehow this can manifest my desire to control my loved ones- my family. For their own good of course. :) It's not only black and white in my world. I had step over the line before, more than once. We all do tends to take the side of our dad/mom/sister/brother/friends/people we care about when the situations call, blindly and faithfully I am sure some times.

These days I played the roles of daughter/eldest sister/friend/employee everyday. One day, maybe some one better half. :) The same status, the same circle of friends. Nothing changed. But I have decided to be better in words/thoughts/actions so that I can be my own better half here. At 20, it's time to be a grow up! HAHA.

This entry should not make much sense to anyone. No one could make sense of what I am doing with my weekends with no programs outside of family. It's starting to feel like "GET A LIFE" SOS from them! Really quite funny i say, but they are QUITE right. So....

The cycle starts again.

快乐是有人分享是有人分享

喝酒的伴 一起看电影的伴
早午晚餐的那个伴
朋友不能留得太晚
明天要上班
唱K的伴 一起去旅行的伴
听懂我的笑话的伴
我的生活 只差那个人就美满
快乐剩一人分享 快乐就只剩一半
喝一碗汤
心怎么都不够暖
这张被单 这张睡床
再舒服都觉得太宽
没人分享 幸福就只剩一半
就算把日子都填满
节日却提醒我孤单
没有想法 有想法又能怎样
只能写部落格整晚
几个留言安慰不了 心里的遗憾
没有负担 原来也是种负担
自由多得让人心慌
你羡慕我 那要不要跟我交换
快乐剩一人分享 快乐就只剩一半
喝一碗汤
心怎么都不够暖
这张被单 这张睡床
再舒服都觉得太宽
没人分享 幸福就只剩一半
努力把日子填满
别来提醒 我多孤单
快乐剩一人分享 快乐就只剩一半
喝一碗汤
心怎么都不够暖
这张被单 这张睡床
再舒服都觉得太宽
没人分享 幸福就只剩一半
就算把日子都填满
没人知道我多孤单

White lie

Tonight, there are many thoughts/realizations that are keeping me up. Cold facts that I am subconsciously aware of but never think much of. I hope that none of my friends and loved ones' hearts ever be broken. That I be able to tell the genuine and sincere, even when my eyes and ears are blindfold.

Hello to my 4 followers of this blog! One is Val, I think... For the others, I am pretty surprised because based on the scooping around I did, I am not sure where's the connection is.

White lie: lie made with good intention.

Year End Memories

The annual year end trip with the family was a much needed break from the resume sending and rough patch in SG. Hokkaido was fabulous and despite the chilly weather and snow, family provided the warmth we need.. ;)


We usually skipped the photo taking with PLynn and I am glad that we took time out of our non-stop updating for some trio photos!


CRAB WAS DELICIOUS. A BBQ feast with non stop chatters and feasting - the group getting smaller due to two girls stationed overseas. :) However 2011, will see us girls continuing making the effort to meet up and be silly. Watched my first movie of the year (and since a long time at the cinema) with the girls, enjoy the movie but love the company more....


The girls took a lot of pictures, I know they will regret in time. Haha, I refuse to participate in the "blue eyeshadow specs" picture taking!

2011 resolution

Now that the dust has settled and the cartwheels done, I wondered if I should be displaying optimism or be cynical of the future. In many ways, the events that played out has taught me a few lessons yet I cannot help thanking my lucky stars. 强求没有幸福。I knew that if I have to plead and argue for something, no matter how much I really would had wanted that, I will not be happy in the end. So I do tend to give up at that cross road junction which I have no regrets with till date. I learnt that there is more than one way to say No and that working under a bias superior can work(hurt) both ways. It's great that life has played out to be alright for me after all. But i cannot help but wish I had not waste so much time. The agony of waiting, the inadequateness with each white lies told and the emptiness that envelops - well I did survived. Even if this is a little melodramatic, I will still like to share this:
人总是在脆弱时发现自己无比坚强 「林志玲」