measuringlife

I have been ignoring this site for sometime. Partly because others' blog always seem to be more interesting & then after surfing all their happenings, my life seem pretty much empty if not boring in comparison. Another reason was that even Yen could tell that my entries are basically swinging between wincing about my job and him. With too few entries about friends,family or anything that is more positive and that are really important... well, in a way.

I am not sure what happen along the way. It could be as one get older, we find ourselves in a situation where it becomes harder and less possible to let go. Age and the fear that I will not catch up, might be the reason for my stubbornness and that will explain why my ganchiong-spider mentality now. Catching up to whom and what, I am no longer sure as incidents accumulate and has changed me.

Everyday, I wake up with a BIG SIGHZ and wonder when the light at the tunnel will appear? Now I know more than ever, how wrong decisions and not knowing better is fatal to the heart and mind. These days all I want is to leave my current job as if doing so will right all the wrong in my life. I blamed my lack of social life on my job. I will go out more when I find my job. I blamed my unsatisfaction in life on my lack of job satisfaction. I will be happier when I find my job. Even purchases are wait-listed till I leave my job and find THE JOB. Pretty sad huh? But till now, I still believe what is missing in my life is not a man, money or happiness but a job. Somehow my very screwed mind thinks that with a job, I will be happy.

Just in case the above might mislead you that I am unemployed. I am not. Working but without job motivation. Decent salary but with no progression. And terribly wanting to get out, sometimes not understanding why too. It could be that I find it hard to relate to the architectural talks and never really able to fit in. Well and also knowing that my potential is stiffled in the administrative work and what I really want is more exposure to real brain work.

I know fully well that this emotion will pass one day, but at this moment its all that matters to me. And I can't help thinking about it and feeling disheartened by everything. There is so much to look forward to in December, but like how it is, I cannot seem to enjoy the moment as there is this unsettledness that never goes away. Creeping in at the slightest reminder and this terrible feeling seem to swallow me. And then slowly it becomes harder to smile, or to be excited and expectations slowly destroyed whats left... Especially your own expectation.

I am living my life full of regret these days. So much so, honestly I don't care about a lot of matters already. Guilty of depriving myself of good moments or happy thoughts, because I think I don't deserve anything good or should be enjoying myself if I don't get out of here. Very pemisstic thoughts and depressing to the soul. I really want to move on...

Maybe thats what this entry is about afterall