Dreams of you & me...

He doesnt know. He read that last entry and not know i was refering to him. Knowing me, i din let it go just like that... I CANT. He still pretend that everything is normal. I went through all this trouble of thinkin up a nice blog name, changing blog and he totally have no tiny damm idea. ARGHHHHH!!! The worse thing is no matter how i directly tell him anything, he seem to have no idea what i am getting at. SHUTS. HE IS THE ULTIMATE .

I find myself moving closer to the other direction while having my glance fixed at the past. You know how important that thing was to you before, but somehow times changes the beat of yr heart...


I show down tonite. As i type i feel like crying, both from relief & sadness. .. Don't Cry ning....

* When they said the truth hurts, I wasnt expecting it to empty me. I wish he wasn't so honest, why can't he leave the worst out? Yen said a show down is suppose to be honest so to not leave any false hopes. Maybe its the false hope and the past closeness i have been clinging on. And for every word i typed, i wished he will let me in .... He used liked. At that moment i feel like crying, i hate past tense. In summary, " you liked me, but the magic is gone, so done." That i cant forget. I wished he stopped me. That he tells me that its not true, instead that its a very brief summary and there are so much else that he cannot put in words.

Another thing that he pointed out is that WHEN the magic starts to fade gradually... When i started to be less chatty and "gloomy". I remembered he did ask me before. He wasnt the only oen who pointed this out (guys). I think i have this problem of clamming up as i go out more often with guys. I start to have second thoughts. I start to listen more. Although i honestly swear that adr never bores me (he thinks he is boring & not chatty) and all the quiet rides in his car tog, he thought i was gloomy are just me relaxing and chilling.. It was that comfortable... And i remembered besides the other guys in my life, it was also because I had been thinking for the past 2 or 3 months prior to that , that he doesnt like me and it was all one-sided. And you know what i found out, at that time he thought he wasn't good enough for me.T.T

" I am begining to be so irrational and resentful abt everything. Why cant i be normal to him......I want to talk to him, to see him BUT i aslo dont know what to talk to him about ...cant face him. .. Something is missing... It was there but now gone...surprise at how much i wan to be with him & at the same time very clear that things are no longer what i want them to be!! Damm Shit." -2 months b4 he told me he like(d) me



"Its over!!The lost of someone i like? Or the lost of the friendship i thought was long-lasting and beautiful?....What is gonna happen after exam(he told me time will tell after exams) is no longer impt...maybe it nv was anyway...." - 1 month b4 he told me he like(d) me


What is a blow to me in this whole matter is , I feel that i am in the wrong (he insist it was his cowardness, etc)and i am guilty of making him doubt then at the time. My clam up problem. Him telling me so many beautiful finally spoken words and the so many hurting truth as well... He said every decision he makes has only one objective. Its for my happiness and he did not wan to drag on for that. I believe him, he is a good guy. But I just cant see my happiness yet. And the best and worst dates. Manz, when we remicise about that first date at MS and his favourite date- swensen with wenxin & me, something in me just want things to be different now.

I said my goodbyes last nite. Wish him all the best. I wont be seeing him again. I will never see him again. He is graduating this sem. His final year. I know this is rather immature, but i cant face him. I feel transparent...


*




Next entry i will share more abt the er xi uncle i meet at it show.. CREEP